If You Must

"Tired of walking in on Harry, Hermione and Ron all over the school, Professor McGonagall had given them permission to use the empty Transfiguration classroom at lunchtimes." -GoF

What A Whiner

"'I'm not complaining or anything' --he got gingerly to his feet, rubbing his backside -- 'but I'm aching all over...'"-GoF

I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal

"'Did Crouch try and get his son off?' Hermione whispered." -GoF

Size Queen Part 2

"'I'm not botherin' with *her* no more, I promise yeh that. Big bones...I'll give her big bones.'"-GoF

Easy Does It

"'Just--just prod me or something in future, all right, don't bend over me like that...'" -GoF

Mind over Matter

"'That doesn't matter,' said Hermione firmly. 'Just as long as you're concentrating really, really hard on it, it'll come.'" -GoF

Fantasyland

"Yes, he'd thought about it...he'd fantasized about it...but[...] he'd never really, *seriously* considered entering..." -GoF

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

"'Bet some of them put it in last night after we'd all gone to bed,' said Harry. 'I would've if it had been me...wouldn't have wanted everyone watching.'" -GoF

Sharing is Caring

"We could offer him a space in our dormintory, Harry...I wouldn't mind giving him my bed"-GoF

This Must Be What Wizards Do Instead of Pantsing Each Other

"'Look at this!' said Malfoy in ecstasy, holding up Ron's robes and showing Crabbe and Goyle" -GoF

No Biggie

"'He'll be okay, he only got ploughed!' Charlie said reassuringly to Ginny, who was hanging over the side of the box, looking horror-struck. 'Which is what Krum was after, of course...'" -GoF

I Guess If You're Into That Sort of Thing

"Something like golden rain seemed to be falling from it--'Excellent!' yelled Ron" -GoF

I Don't Really Want to Know What This Means

"If Harry had wanted deboning he would have asked." -CoS

His "Resolve"

"Instead, [Harry] contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: /Let's do it tonight./ Ron read the message, swallowed hard..."
[...]
"...and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermione. The sight seemed to stiffen his resolve, and he nodded." -CoS

Hint: It Wasn't a Rabbit

"Stars winking in front of his eyes, he grabbed the top of the hat to pull it off and felt something long and hard beneath it." -CoS

He's Just Mad He Didn't Think of it First

"'Yeh've got ter stroke them,' said Hagrid, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world."
[...]
"'Oh, how silly we've all been!' Malfoy sneered. 'We should have stroked them! Why didn't we guess!'" -PoA

Always Best to Ask First

"'Can I just /hold/ it, Harry?'" -PoA

Fishing for Compliments

"You are regretting that you ever returned to me. I revolt you. I see you flinch when you look at me, feel you shudder when you touch me."-GoF

Pics or It Didn't Happen

"'Fine," snapped Mrs. Weasley. 'Go naked. And, Harry, make sure you get a picture of him.'" -GoF

There Can Only Be One

"…but Arthur's the only one who can get Mad-Eye off…"-GoF

Brits Eat Weird Things...

"'Treacle tart, Hermione!' said Ron, deliberately wafting its smell toward her. 'Spotted dick, look!'"-GoF

Foreshadowing!!

"'Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?' said Ron."-GoF

Ollivander Makes Our Job So Easy

"'Rather thicker than one usually sees…quite rigid…ten and a quarter inches.'"-GoF

He Couldn't Quite Put His Finger On It...

"'I don't /miss him/…' But this was a downright lie. Harry liked Hermione very much, but she just wasn't the same as Ron." -GoF

Just a Quickie

"Harry, however, thought it better just to be quick at whatever Hagrid wanted him for." -GoF

For the Common Good

"'Harry – we've just got to grit our teeth and do it,' said Ron." -OotP

Taking a Leaf Out of Fred's Book

"Harry could have sworn Dumbledore had given him a very small wink." -OotP

All-Seeing

"'Nice socks, Potter,' Moody growled as he passed, his magical eye staring through Harry's robes." -OotP

No Need to Hide

"'Think you're a big man carrying that thing, don't you?… That – that thing you're hiding.' Harry grinned again." -OotP

I Do Some *Very* Risky Stuff!

"'Not this brave at night, are you?' sneered Dudley.… 'I mean when you're in bed!'… 'What d'you mean, I'm not brave in bed?'" -OotP

The Dursleys Need Thicker Walls

"'I heard you last night,' said Dudley breathlessly.… '/Moaning/.'" -OotP

Poor Dudley

"'Point that thing somewhere else!… GET THAT THING AWAY FROM – ' Dudley gave an odd, shuddering gasp."-OotP

Cousincest

"Dudley's terrified voice broke in Harry's ear. 'W-what are you d-doing? St-stop it!'… 'Shut up and don't move!'"-OotP

They Then Brought Out The Cloth Dolls

"'What did he do to you, Diddy?… Was it—was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use—his /thing/?' Slowly, tremulously, Dudley nodded." -OotP

That's All you Really *Need* To Know

"all they knew for sure about the mysterious object was that it was about two inches long" -SS

Power Bottom

"Yeah, size is no guarantee of power," said George. "What do you mean?" said Harry. "You've never been on the receiving end…have you?" -OotP

Some Guys Get *All* The Luck

"Ron moaned enviously. "I've never even *touched* one."-SS

Sooner or Later

"'Everyone seems quite relieved, though, considering they all knew I'd get off,' said Harry, smiling." -OotP

Everyone's a Critic

"Hermione was stomping up the stairs, looking disapprovingly at the package in Harry's hand." -SS

Forbidden Love in the Boys' Dormitory

"He knew Neville, like himself, was dreading the dawn. What would happen when the rest of Gryffindor found out what they'd done?" -SS

Was it Good for You?

"'Coming?' [Ron] said awkwardly to Harry. 'Yeah,' said Harry. 'In…in a minute.'" -OotP

JKR's Foray Into Harlequin Romance

"Ronan and Bane came bursting through the trees, their flanks heaving and sweaty."- SS

If You Know What I Mean

"[Harry] hung back a little, because Cho was still there and he was hoping to receive a Merry Christmas from her." -OotP

Hey, the Man Knows What He Wants

"Neville," Ron exploded, "get away from that hole and don't be an idiot--" -SS

Harry Puts the Sensual in Nonconsensual

"'Well?' Ron said finally…'How was it?' Harry considered for a moment. 'Wet…Because she was crying.'"-OotP

Lactation Nation

"something large and gray fell into hermione's jug, spraying them all with milk" -CoS

When Pepper Spray Isn't Enough

"Harry's heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defense against external penetration?" -OotP

See? Hagrid Shares Our Sense of Humour!!

"'An Engorgement Charm, I suppose?' said Hermione...'That's what yer little sister said,' said Hagrid, nodding at Ron." -CoS

Free Show

"Harry [was] free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree."-HBP

Seven Injured, News at 11

"Hagrid's pumpkins swelled to the size of garden sheds."-CoS

If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

"'There was no need to stick the wand in that hard,' he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. 'It hurt.'" -HBP

We'll Leave You To Ponder the Double Entendre of his Name

"Nearly Headless Nick...was...muittering under his breath, '...don't fulfill their requirements...half an inch, if that...'"-CoS

Wait a Minute, This is Harry Potter, Not Twilight!!

"'I've got something for you, Harry,' said Hermione…'/Abstinence/.'" -HBP

Glass Half Empty

"'I don't believe it, I'm still eight inches short...' said Ron furiously" -CoS

Friendly Rivalry

"Wood might've done the Slytherins if he could've got away with it." -HBP

Size Queen

"'I only need another two inches, come on--'" -CoS

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

"Harry…was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy.." -HBP

Kids These Days Sure Move Fast

"'Are you sure?' 'Positive,' said Hermione, shifting Scabbers the rat so that she could sit down on the end of Ron's four poster..." -CoS

My Personal Favorite

"Harry tried every variation of 'I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you' that he could think of for a whole hour." -HBP

There's No Time Like the Present

"...'If we're going to do it, I say it should be tonight.'" -CoS

The Forbidden Forest In His Pants

"'Out here,' said Hagrid in a shaking voice. 'Shall we—shall we do it then?' The three of them stepped out into the back garden." -HBP

It's Perfectly Normal

"'Ginny, er, walked in on my the other day when I was--well, never mind--the point is, she spotted me doing something...'" -CoS

Not *Everything* About Him Is Small...

"'Now, now, boys,' squeaked Professor Flitwick reproachfully. 'A little less talk, a little more action…'" -HBP

You Were Only A Baby, You Don't Remember

"'Voldemort put a bit of himself in *me*?' Harry said, thunderstruck." -CoS

Heroes Love Redheads

"The battle still raged inside [Harry's] head: Ginny or Ron?" -DH

Too Bad He's an Owl...

"Harry sat down on his bed and grabbed Errol's package" -PoA

Is That Your Wand Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

"None of them answered him. Uncle Vernon was still staring, appalled, at the bulge in Dedalus's waistcoat pocket." -DH

"I Predict You'll Let Me Sleep With Your Sister..."

Title of a Divination book in Flourish and Blotts: "Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turns Foul". (PoA)

What Happens in Hogsmeade...

"'I knew Ginny was lying about that tattoo,' said Ron, looking down at his bare chest." -DH

That's Gotta Hurt

"'Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig'" -PoA

GAWD, Mom, Haven't You Ever Heard of KNOCKING??

"Mrs. Weasley was nowhere to be seen, so Harry slipped upstairs to Ron's attic bedroom. 'I'm doing it, I'm doing—!'" -DH

What Is It With Fred And Mysterious Winking??

"'We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go,' said Fred, with a mysterious wink... He nodded toward an empty classroom...'Early christmas present for you, Harry," he said. Fred pulled something from inside his cloak with a flourish"-PoA

This One Is Intentional

"It's pure gold: "Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches"…You'd be surprised, it's not all about wandwork." -DH

There's a First Time for Everyone

"Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent. '--well, more innocent than we are now--'" -PoA

This Is What Happens When Hipster Fashion Comes to Hogwarts

"'It's no wonder I can't get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they're tight.'" -DH

Happy Christmas, Harry!

"As he moved all these things aside, he saw a long, thin package lying underneath." -PoA

JKR Is Just Making This Too Easy For Us

"'They managed to penetrate every defensive…against them, and once inside, they were completely open about why they'd come.'" -DH

Are You *Sure* The Firebolt Was A Broomstick?

"He could feel it vibrating and let go; it hung in midair, unsupported, at exactly the right height for him to mount it." -PoA

The Direct Approach

"'I think we should do it tomorrow,' said Harry. Hermione stopped dead, her jaw hanging; Ron choked a little over his soup." -DH

The Man, The Myth

"'I bet it was Dumbledore,' said Ron...taking in every glorious inch." -PoA

I Guess Wizards Don't Need Viagra

"'Erecto!' she added, pointing her wand at the misshapen…, which in one fluid motion rose into the air…" -DH

The Pedo-Stache Was Their First Clue

"The black-moustached man was fingering something in his belt" -PoA

Maybe Chivalry *Is* Dead

"With fumbling fingers Harry started to remove his many layers of clothing. Where chivalry came into this…he was not entirely sure…" -DH

The Original Draft of the Epilogue Was Much Sexier

"'Ron!' Hermione moaned." -PoA

Where Do I Begin?

"'When I came out it bobbed along a bit and I followed it behind the shed and then it…well, it went inside me.'" -DH

Speak For Yourself

"And then, at last, after over an hour...'Here we come!' Hermione whispered." -PoA

*Someone* Doesn't Like Pillow Talk...

"''I've got an unbeatable wand, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.' ' As long as you keep your trap shut—'" -DH

But Her Eyes Said "Yes"

"Hermione was holding Harry very tight around the waist.; he could hear her muttering, 'Oh, no..oh, I *really* don't like this--'" -PoA

Size Does Matter

"'Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's.'" -DH

Who's Your Daddy?

"'You did see your father last night...You found him inside yourself.' And [he] left...leaving Harry to his very confused thoughts." -PoA

Come Here, Boy

"'She tasted /disgusting/, worse than Gurdyroots! Okay, Ron, come here so I can do you.…'" -DH

Is It Just Me Or Is the Word "Snitch" Just Inherently Dirty?

"It felt like a very fluffy Snitch." -GOF

I'm Not Gonna Touch This One

"They were deeper than Harry had ever penetrated…" -DH

Under Voldemort's Robes...

"'But I am not a man, Muggle...I am much, much more than a man.'" -GOF

Well I Mean, If You Got It In To Begin With...

"'We'll never get out, it's too big!' Hermione screamed." -DH

No Means No

"'tell George not to--OUCH! George, no, there's no room"-GOF

You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want...

"'That was noisier than I thought it would be.' And sure enough, the ceiling had begun to tremble." -DH

Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge

"'We'll get it,' said Fred at once. Winking at Harry, he and George left the room. They knew where Harry's bedroom was" -GOF

Make Love, Not War...

"…all he could do was hold as tightly as possible to that thin stick of wood that was his one and only weapon…" -DH

Rule 34

"Dudley whimpered. Harry saw his hands tighten still harder over his massive backside." -GOF

Expert Choice of Words

"'What are you doing with Potter, all these evenings you are closeted together?' Snape asked abruptly."-DH

I Wonder Why They Didn't Include This In the Film...

"[Dudley] was kneeling..and he was gagging and sputtering on a foot-long, purple, slimy thing that was protruding from his mouth." -GOF

It's Naked Time!!

"Harry became conscious that he was naked." -DH

Her Little Duddykins

"Dudley appeared to be suffocating under the combined pressure of his mother and his tongue." -GOF

But Snape just wants a friend...

"'Mum! I can't give a professor love!'" -DH